Forgive, the long gap between entries. I spent all of Feb in the hospital, and most of March figuring out what I am going to do next. I would love to be optimistic and say my battle with Cancer is over, but in reality recovery can be just as devastating as the disease itself. Similar to a long bout of writer's block, making your way back to where you were before is often easier said than done.
Forcing myself to walk to build my leg muscles back up, is like forcing myself to write. If I sit in bed all day (which is so much easier) then I continue to get weaker not stronger. Reminding myself to eat, whether it is painful or not, is like sitting at the computer again, knowing it is not the most comfortable seat in the house. Bending, sitting, stretching, reaching for things that were all second nature before, now takes a concentrated effort unlike anything else I have gone through before . . . except writing. Before the multiple surgeries, I was walking 5 miles a day, now a month and a half later I am barely up to 2 miles a day. You want to compare yourself with what you did before and that's just not fair.
I used to write 4 pages a day (1000 words), yesterday it took all my efforts to come up with 249 words (which I will share with you in a moment.) If you keep comparing yourself to the past, you have to put it in a positive perspective. I have walked 5 miles a day before, therefore I know it is possible. Do NOT fall into the trap of thinking, I used to do 5 miles now I am out of breath at one mile, I must be a failure. That's bull, plain and simple. If you haven't written in a while it does not mean you will never write again. It may take more effort than before, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Yesterday, I was focusing on how much I wasn't doing, but I did come up with this:
Time to Write
I’m listening for voices that are no longer there. Either that, or the past, present, and future are all speaking at the same time. Why is it such a hard mountain to climb?
I am not feeling motivation, inspiration, discouragement, or despair. When I was in the groove, I really didn’t care. I knew writing would get me there.
I’m not going forward or back, and wonder where I lack. Who motivates the motivator? Is it voices from without or feelings from within? Is it really that simple, I just need to begin?
How long must we endure, until we realize it is time? It is time to live, laugh, love and create a feeling of Zen. It is time to start writing again.
Writing is who I was, who I am and always will be. If the stories have stopped, it’s because there is no me. But I am still here, and so are they. Now is the time to dig deeper today.
It’s time to release the good and evil, the strong and the weak. It’s time to create the adventure I seek. Life is not nearly so bleak.
The gift does not simply get up and go. It’s not in your wallet you left by the door. It’s not in your clothes a heap on the floor. It’s not outside in the shade of a tree, because the gift within me . . . is from thee.
Knowing that I am cancer free, doesn't mean the road to recovery will be a piece of cake. It means now I have a chance, at least there is a road to recovery, if I do my part. If you haven't written in a day or two, or even a month or two, it doesn't mean you can't write . . . it does mean it may take a lot more effort, and that's OK. Life happens. We learn and we grow. We struggle and push forward. Remember a block can keep you from something, or it can be the stepping stone to reach even higher than before. Keep on writing and stepping higher everyday. :)